Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
