They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
