i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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