I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
