Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
