I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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