I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
