I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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