i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
