I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
