there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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