I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Congratulations! We have a period
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
