I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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