I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
