saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
