Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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