Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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