My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
