I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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