my room smells like sperm. sweet.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
