There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
