my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
