i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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