Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he puts the penis in happiness.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
