...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
