morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You need a sexual gate keeper
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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