I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
