I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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