I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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