Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
