Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
