First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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