He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
