I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
