My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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