My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
