About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
