I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
