Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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