I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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