I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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