thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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