I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
