Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is it because I queefed?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
