Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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