I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
