you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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