Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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