I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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