I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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