sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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