So drunk its hurt
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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