I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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