I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
