hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
