yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
