Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
