your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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