Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
