Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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