if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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