my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
