Rock
Scissors
Fuck
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
