I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize