I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
