he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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